I'm going to work (Monday! Thursday! Friday!) I'm in the classroom (On Monday nights and Wednesday mornings) Today's Tuesday and I'm just fucking around writing songs and playing video games (Final Fantasy 9 is the shit!) I'm in a good mood type of mood today (I feel like doing backflips!) I'm popular all of a sudden (sorta) People are blowing up my phone But I'm staying home I got drum tracks to record This song sounds like a baseball bat I wanna release these tracks before I go on vacation next week Cause what if the plane crashes And then no ones gonna get to hear it It'd be kinda cool if I got at least a few hundred hits on bandcamp Or maybe make a little money (Perchance to dream) I wanna buy Fallout 4 I'm getting impatient waiting for the price drop This is fucking weird I never thought I could make songs like this It's just coming out of me (And I'm sorta cheating with the edits) I don't even like poetry most of the time I can never understand it You guys use too many metaphors and my brain can't work that fast You get to stanza 5 and I'm still trying to figure out the shit you said in stanza 2 You gotta slow down I don't have that many friends (But I got a cat!) I got no girlfriend either (I think it's cause my hair is falling out and I got a fake tooth right up at the front) 27 years old, pretty soon I'll be 28 I run a let's play channel and I'm trying to make bank on YouTube 4 subscribers and 3 of them are me 106 views total I'm still waiting for you to realize my videos are fucking cool I play the drums at church every Sunday This guy Ramses is always trying to fuss with my kit (I love that guy though) I like to think all the girls there secretly have a crush on me They never talk to me though And there's this one that straight up rejected me last winter after we went out on a couple dates This is about as light as it gets for me I usually write song about death or some other macabre shit This song sounds like it's some art school, Will Smith, PG13 type shit Maybe I gotta say fuck more I don't know, I'll just leave this one as it is

I’m always fucking paranoid that someone’s gonna rob my house When I was living with my parents I came home one time And the front door was busted open My brother was inside with his friend They told me what happened (My MacBook was gone) I lost my best recordings at the time and I got depressed about that I called the girl I was seeing and she listened to me cry for two hours that night When I was 15 I used to cut myself and I wasn’t even that depressed I just thought it was kinda cool (I was emo as fuck!) But now I’m legit depressed cause I’m not so young anymore (And life seems so fucking meaningless all the time) I watched the movie Dazed and Confused (a few months back) And it just fucked me up It got me pining for the Summer of 2006 Getting high and drinking wine on my friend Christine’s rooftop I fell in love with that girl, she put my hair into dreadlocks She didn’t like me back but had a sort of faux romance thing going on Then she went away to school in September and we drifted apart I still think the scars on my forearm look fucking dope I think the last time I cut myself must’ve been when my parents kicked me out of the house I was 23 then and they didn’t really kick me out (I mean, they were pretty nice about it) They helped me find a nice place (They bought me groceries for 6 weeks) And they paid off my mortgage I still owed them 50 thou for a while (But then a few years later they forgave the debt) My parents are fucking awesome! (I wish I didn’t hurt them so much when I was growing up) I never let them know where I was going (When I was going out) One time they called the police (They thought I was kidnapped) False alarm though I was a fucked up rich kid always getting wasted on something They could smell the weed I was smoking in my bedroom every day (They could always track down my stash of empty bottles) It got to the point where I just didn’t even give a shit anymore And when I had 50 or so empties piled up I’d just ask them to drive me to The Beer Store So I could get a return I didn’t sleep much last night and I skipped class this morning but it doesn’t matter I just wanna keep working at these fucking songs

Some days (most days really) I just wanna drop everything and work on music full time (See if I can survive on dreams alone) Some people are encouraging me to keep going with school They say we need more good therapists in the world (I’m a psychology major by the way) But I couldn’t even convince that Kate Marsh chick to step away from the ledge in Life is Strange (ah… such a good game!) And I can barely keep my shit together So how am I supposed to help you? (I’m too fucking selfish) I don’t want to go to work anymore I mean, I love the guys I work with And my boss is perhaps the best dude I’ve ever met But it breaks my heart when I’m sitting in front of a computer screen all day doing data entry I’m just not meant for that shit (But I still need to eat) Actually, I haven’t been eating much these days I’m not poor I just literally forget to do it (I don’t really care about nutirition) I’m pretty frugal, I don’t have a car I own a condo and maintanence is pretty cheap (it’s decent anyway) Other than that I pretty much spend most of my money on poppy seeds so I can make opium tea And sometimes I order research chemicals online (those are pretty fucking expensive sometimes) But if I drop out and quit my job maybe I could play guitar and sing songs at Spadina station (Maybe I could do it!) I’ve got my savings and I could always sell my old shit on kijiji (Maybe that’d help out for a few months) I’m fixin’ to have a fuck it moment real soon Even on the bad days when I’ve got writer’s block and I’m just pacing around, lonely as fuck I’d still rather be hanging out in my apartment listening to hard bop or black metal

Couple nights ago I spent some time listening to some of my old tapes I found a lot of weird shit I recorded back when I used to play in a noise band I can’t remember making any of it I can just envision myself at 18 (alone at night) Just fucking around with effects pedals Listening to it kind of reminded me of the times I used to make dumb videos just for fun I’d just steal shit from YouTube and edit it together to make it look drugged out I miss those days I mean I’m probably seeing shit through rose coloured glasses in the grand scheme But there’s never been anything more life giving for me than just making things Having a social life is kinda all right I guess And I love all these creature comforts I’ve got But give me a recording studio at the edge of the earth and I’d give what the fuck ever Why don’t people ever take vision quests anymore? (I’m serious!) That shit’d probably do us some good Couple years ago I spent an hour in a sensory deprivation tank cause I wanted to see if I could trip out without taking drugs (It didn’t really work) I was just floating there in the dark bumping into the sides of the thing

I went to my brother’s birthday party and I couldn’t relate to anyone We ate Thai food and I pretended to be okay All his friends were really nice but I couldn’t have felt more detached At least my brother was happy to see me I’ve been meeting this girl for coffee and I can’t tell if we’re dating or not We spent time at The Only yesterday and she told me how she helped this junkie get to the hospital She’s very nice and it’s easy to feel loved by her But I don’t know why I waste time looking for love David Bowie died and gave us Blackstar and it’s fucking beautiful I’m obsessed with this album and his expression (and his ability to make peace with death) When I listen to it and it really hits me I shiver, and my head shoots back He’s given me hope for my life by turning his death into a piece of art Last night I dreamt that I killed my cat and it was fucking weird I just kept stabbing him in the gut When I woke up I hugged him and told him I loved him One of my best friends is falling apart He’s talking about killing himself and things even worse then that And I don’t want to see him pull some Jeffrey Dahmer shit But I’d be lying if I said I don’t sympathize For the past month I’ve had this feeling like I’m going to die soon I don’t know why But I trust my intuition more than most anything so… (I’m kinda scared) And if I’m right then goodbye